Needs.

Needs is just another word for wants.

Wants is just another word for something we don’t need.

And we don’t need another impaling addiction.

–Hannah Filos

Thursdays are the worst.

Sometimes demons are memories. One thing you see or hear or smell can bring it all back. All the pain, all the ecstasy, all the fear. All the times you tried to escape but couldn’t do it. All the times you fell to the shower floor and cried out in sorrow. All the times you laid in bed wishing that tears would come to comfort you like they used to.

Sometimes demons like to play with you. You know you can’t let them. But sometimes you do. And you regret it every time. But you always go back.

Addiction. I wondered what it was really like. I always said you could control yourself. And you can. But you don’t. You can tell yourself all day and night that this is the last time. But you do it again the next time. And it hurts. But maybe you like the pain.

An addict is just someone who needs an excuse for their sin. Sure. But it’s not all in the heart, it’s an awful lot in the head. And the head doesn’t like to be told what to do. It thinks that the telling is its job. Right now it is.

All these words…I don’t know where they came from, where they are going. We want to be done. We want to leave and never come back. But the smell…

The sound of it, it reminds us. 

The feel of everything brings it back and we say that we need it. We need it. Just this time. We’ll work on it later, but right now we have to have it. We can’t live.

But we can’t die either. Not like this. Not now. 

We need one more chance.